Iím going crazy!
[Iíve had a] bad couple of days.
You know what?
Iím being tortured!
It sucks! Are you
kidding me? Sometimes itís hour by hour
I have to pull myself through.
It breaks you
down, you become more sensitive, and
when your only contact with other human
beings is fuckiní bitch COsÖ[corrections
Itís like have
somebody come up and poke you in the
middle of the forehead and tell me how
long you can stand that until it starts
driving you fuckiní crazyÖbecause thatís
what it feels like to me.
Itís like, no
human contact, except through the trap,
or when I get to see my attorney.
And then you get a
CO that has an attitude or a power trip,
you know, that just fucks with you, you
know, because they can, andÖitís HARD!
You know, I think
a lot of people say, ďOh, Iíd love to
have that time to read a book, to have
some me time,Ē but itís like,
yeah, but I donít think youíre meaning
for going on 9 months!
All the books
hereÖtheyíre all about murder and
crime! I wrote something about
that. And people wonder why inmates
leave jail enraged and then become worse
criminals than when they came inÖ
I have some pretty
good theories on that. When you isolate
someone for long periods of time, and
then their only choice of reading
material is books about murder and
crime, I mean, itís kind of like an
inundation, you know!
And then society
canít figure out why people leave jail
so angry and then re-offend. But then,
maybe after you go through a prolonged
period, you get this rage of
being mistreated, and you like fall
through the cracks here.
And I think what
amazes me too, is that in prison, itís
like a Holiday Inn!
(In jail) youíre
innocent until youíre proven guilty; in
prison, youíve already been condemned
and judged, but in prison, they have
more rights than what they have in jail!
The thing is, I
worked on a campaign for sheriff, I was
the Chief of Policeís campaign manager,
I have a lot of friends who are cops, I
used to be 100% on their side, and I
used to feel real judgmental towards
criminals, and the system, and this and
that, but I think now that actually
coming and living on this side of it,
itís like wow! What an eye-opener for
Iíve been on
status now [Administrative Segregation,
usually solitary) for 7 months, and I
didnít do anything to deserve
that status, [she obeyed all the jail
rules] and second, they have me on
Isolation status, and that means that I
am not allowed to talk to another human
being! And this is going on 9 months
now. So, if they want to keep me on
status (Administrative Segregation),
they need to lift the ISO (Isolation)!
It is torture, and itís a bunch
of bullshit, and you know Iím not gonna
sit here and be a willing victim!
Just like, every
day, you know, itís like a struggle,
every, every day, a constant struggle,
just trying to figure out whatÖ
If you could just
imagineÖlock yourself in a bathroom,
take all your stuff out of that
bathroom, you have nothing, and stay in
there for 23 Ĺ hours, and only allow
yourself 30 minutes to come out, and
thatís the time you have to choose to
use the phone or take a shower, and then
you have to go back to your bathroom,
shut the door and lock it. Do that for
just 2 days, and then you might get a
taste of what Iím going through, going
on 9 months.
accepted the fact that Iím going to be
here for 10 months. I mean, honestly,
Iíve already accepted that, OK? I know,
but I have to; if I donít, it
will just make me even more crazy, if I
donít surrender to the fact that this is
what itís gonna be. I mean, hey, if
something else happens, then itís a
blessing, but if nothing else happens,
then it is what it is!
Itís nice that I
can call youóit really helps, to have a
conversation with somebody. And I
really, really, appreciate it probably
more than you ever know!